Since most writers are like moths to the flame, I thought I might list a few of the most disastrous and beguiling techniques in fiction today. Use them at your own peril.
1) Weird time tricks. Time loops around, time leaps forward, time goes backward, what's old is new, what's new is old. The reader needs GPS just to get to the end of the narrative. The delightful exceptions: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, and Time's Arrow by Martin Amis.
2) Writing in the second person. It's just too distracting to read "you" over and over. Jay McInerney used it in Bright Lights, Big City, but that doesn't mean anyone else should.
3) Talking animals in adult fiction and wizards in young adult fiction. I don't even need to tell you it's been done as well as it ever could be done.
4) Sociopaths as main characters. Sociopaths do not have compelling inner lives. They have no motivation except mental illness. Come to think of it, they make pretty dull villains too. My apologies to Bret Easton Ellis, but American Psycho wasn't a page-turner.
5) Artificial Intelligence and hyper- geeky terminology...unless your name is William Gibson, in which case, I take it all back. Try Burning Chrome and you'll see why.
6) The epistolary novel, that is, a novel in the form of letters. An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser is a good example. It worked in 1925, but today we need more action than a stuffed mailbox.
7) Stream of consciousness. You need a brilliant mind for this one. Try Joyce's Ulysses. No, don't: Try Stephen Dixon's Interstate instead. You won't need coffee for a week.
8) The crazy narrator, particularly the sensitive insane young woman. This goes for memoir writers too. Even if you are a sensitive, insane young woman, in which case, you have creative ideas to spare. Choose something else.
Now, don't say I didn't warn you! Got any literary peeves to add to the list? I'd love to hear them.
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